Confidence

June 7th...

9:35pm... Today was my last Sunday to spend in Jyvaskyla, and I am so amazed at how fast the time has gone. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was standing at the Helsinki airport, waiting for my luggage to come around the conveyor belt...and feeling so absent and alone when it never did. I remember sitting at the Jyvaskyla Travel Centre and waiting on my Finnish friend to pick me up, having absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. There was definitely a part of me that doubted my abilities to successfully adjust to such a new culture. I knew that I would get by, but I wanted so much more from this experience than to "get by". I want more from life than to just "get by".

It definitely feels like I'm nearing the end, because many of the people that I met in the beginning left yesterday, and there are only a couple handfuls of us left. So today I met with a few of the girls and we ate pizza and icecream, and walked around the very quiet city together. We went to the harbour and sat on a boat and just talked about our experience so far. We didn't just talk about what we have done and seen, but rather we talked about how we have changed in just the few short weeks we have been in Finland. We reminisced about our first day here and how exciting it was to go to the supermarket and not have the ability to read anything on the package labels...or how we'd laugh walking down the street without being able to read the street signs...and everyone around us was speaking Finnish. We talked about how much we didn't know or understand about the Finnish culture, but yet how enthusiastic we were to experience it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we also talked about the frustrations we felt when that enthusiasm died down. It's no longer exciting when you need to buy something and just can't find what you're looking for on your own...and there's a 50/50 chance that someone may or may not be able to help you. It's no longer just a funny story to tell when you walk down the street and say hi to the people you are passing, and not receive any recognition or response in return. The past few days we all felt a greater sense of loneliness than we had felt since we've been here. The weather was cold and consistently rainy the last few days, and it's as though you have to make yourself get out of bed. Yesterday I decided that I didn't care how miserable it felt outside; I was going to walk around the city. So I walked back and forth down the streets, with my arms crossed to keep warm and my head down somewhat to avoid the rain completely soaking my face. Even though I know that I look the same as everyone here, I felt as though I was such an outcast. I truly felt on my own. Then it hit me...I am on my own.

That realization created in me a new mindset in this process. There will be times throughout the rest of my journey abroad when I do feel alone; but yet, I do not feel lonely. I feel confident. I am comfortable in my own skin and I feel so lucky to have this experience. I know that if this experience was easy the whole time, then that means I am not truly giving enough of myself. If I didn't struggle with belongingness or uncomfortability, then that means I didn't put myself out there as I much as I could have. I am getting ready to embark on my last week and my last class here in Jyvaskyla, and I will strive to continue immersing myself in this culture no matter how uncomfortable I may feel at times. On my best days, I will continue to say "hei" to the people that I pass in walking, for the chance that maybe one of those people will appreciate that recognition. Shoot, maybe one day someone will even say "hei" to me; but if they don't, I'm okay with that. After all, I am just a guest in a culture that is far different from my own.