Feels Like Home

June 20th...

11:45am...

I was without internet during my time in Ireland, but I kept a regular journal so that everyone could share the experience with me. What I am about to write is a summary of my personal, overall experience and growth process on the day I left Ireland. Following this summary, I am writing about my thoughts and feelings for each day...

When I considered writing in my blog about my trip to Ireland, I was going to approach it in the same manner I always do, detailing the ins and outs of each day's adventure one by one. I happen to like detail, so I will likely cover that as well. However, what I feel as though I experienced on this journey is far greater than any single event. This week has been one of the most intense, yet refreshing and exhilarating experiences I've ever had. It goes far beyond visiting old historical sites and castles, even beyond walking barefoot throughout the countryside. The most captivating aspect of this trip was a kind of rediscovery about myself - where I came from, my culture, and how I was raised - the roots of my unique identity. I am not just talking about the fact that I am Irish. I have fair skin, red hair, and green eyes, which makes it easy to remember. Beyond that, I rediscovered how much I love my roots as an Irish Catholic. I remembered how I once identified myself. There was a Catholic Church near the place where I stayed in Dublin, called St. Mary's. The day after we arrived, Tracey and I attended mass. When I walked into that church, the first one I had visited in a long time, I had but one thought - It felt like coming home. All throughout mass I felt such peace with myself. It felt like everything was coming together like a puzzle designed just for me; as though my whole summer was centered around my being here, at this moment, in this church. I thought about how I wanted to receive communion, but knew that I had so much on my heart I wanted to share beforehand...so I just sat through mass and enjoyed the moment.

Afterwards I thought I would ask the priest if there was any time he would be available to talk with me this week, and to my surprise, he said he would talk with me about it right then. So we sat together and I told him all about how I have thought and felt over the past several months. I told him about how I left the Church because I wanted to pursue a closer, personal relationship with God that I felt I couldn't do in the Catholic Church. To my surprise again, he told me that he was glad for me that I did, because it indicated how strong my desire is to know God and serve His will. I don't necessarily think that a person's denomination is the indicator of how strong their love is for God, and it is certainly not in my capacity to judge anyone but myself. I know that I have become a much stronger Christian in the past few months, and I am so thankful to have such amazing role models in my life.

I believe that all of those moments led me here, on this day, the feast of Corpus Christi. Upon hearing my confession, the priest went to the altar and brought me communion. My eyes filled with tears in awe of how truly amazing God's love really is. I feel so blessed to know that no matter where life leads me, He will always be with me. He will always be my strength and my purpose. I feel at home in the Catholic Church. It is where my heart is. It's like having an old friend; the one in which it seems as though no matter how much time may pass without seeing each other, when you finally do see each other again, it's as though no time has passed at all.

Sometimes it takes losing something to realize how much it means to you. In a similar way, I think about how this relates to my decision to become a teacher. I had always known since I was seven years old that I wanted to be a teacher. That became part of my identity and I never considered contemplating anything else. Then, two years into college - out of the blue, I realize that I have so many other options before me. I became convinced that I didn't want to be a teacher, and I researched everything else out there to find what I really wanted to do, and I chose accounting. I was all fired up about it too, and I know I could have done a good job. But was my heart in it? I remember a defining moment when my brother, Brian asked me one day, "Allie, are you okay with not identifying yourself with teaching?" That hit me. I wasn't. After one day of attending accounting classes, I walked over to the Department of Education and told them I wanted to come back. Ever since then I know that I am meant to work in a school. It took leaving to realize that and gain that strength.

That's where I feel I am now. I left the Catholic Church in pursuit of knowing God and following His will for me. It took leaving to realize just how much I am a part of the Church, and how much the Church is a part of me. It's how I have come to know God my whole life. I think that is his main purpose for all of us - to know Him and serve Him; to believe and have faith. I have spent my whole life raised on that ambition and I am so grateful for that. We all have our own unique identities in Him and we have to follow our own hearts to seek His will for us...and this is me following my heart.